Staying silent about the truth of the trauma in my past allowed the sadness to deepen and worsen into depression. Not telling someone because I was afraid how uncomfortable it would make them feel, is what gave the permission in my mind to convince myself I was exaggerating:
“It’s no big deal”
“You’ll be fine”
“You’ll get over eventually”
I remember crying. Whether it be in the driver’s seat at 12 AM on my way home from work, or parked in the driveway.
Repeating those phrases to myself.
I allowed myself to believe that concealing the past would solve everything.
And instead it forced me to turn inward. And hide everything about myself that I felt would go against society’s expectations of being happy.
Torturing myself with this facade of a state of mind, turned into loneliness. And after years of pretending and years of toxic coping mechanisms, my depression finally flooded out of my mind and into my journal:
feels like i spend all my time trying to fill this void the shadow of loneliness most days i am able to keep away but other days it eats me alive -stranded Michelle
Looking back I find it crazy how not only how lonely I felt, but how alone I thought I was. And the fact of the matter is more than 60 percent of the U.S population have reported they feel a state of loneliness in just this past year. Not speaking up about my state of mind and not admitting it to myself that I was depressed prevented me from mourning over what I had lost and prevented me from taking the first step toward even being remotely happy.
I have obsessed over the thought that the topics I am writing about are too raw. Too naked and bear for people to handle. But screw being comfortable.
I know it might sound weird, but I was comfortable with being depressed. I was comfortable with the shadows of thoughts that once followed me because if I chose to actually deal with them, I had to open the doors that had been remained closed and out of sight for so long. I had to say things out loud to people that I never even said out loud to myself.
I know these posts are hard to read. But I promise that dealing with the uncomfortable in life is the only thing that can pull anyone out of the negativity, no matter how long its been brewing inside your mind and soul.
It’s not until you tell yourself:
“I don’t have to feel this way”,
That your mind and body crave the fight to conquer your life back.