Just okay

Hi, so this past week kind of flipped my world upside down. It’s weird how life can do that to you. Where you feel like you have certain things that are consistent and won’t change and are okay, and then suddenly life is like, “Haha just kidding let’s throw a plot twist in there”.

So yeah.

These past couple of days especially have been rough. And I know I will be okay, but it doesn’t take away any of the negativity in my head.

I guess knowing that I will be okay does give me a sense of hope, and allows me to take a deep breath, knowing these feelings won’t last forever. But, at the same time, I’m being seriously impatient with myself and my progress.

So that is why it is important to always remember to take a step back, and be proud of yourself, regardless of how little or big the action.

Some of the things I am proud of myself for today:

-Not staying in bed as long as I wanted to

-Crying a tad less than I did yesterday

-Showering and washing my hair

In these past couple of days, I have thought over and over, “I just want to be okay”.

Right now, I just wish there was a remote to life where I could just skip all the pain and jump right into the good stuff. I want to skip the healing process right now. I want to skip all the crying, and just simply skip being sad.

I want to skip all the work it takes to heal from this past week. Skip to the part in my life where I can say it outload with a sense of acceptance or okayness (I know it’s not a word but it’s all I got right now haha).

But as we all know it doesn’t work like that. Pain doesn’t just magically disappear over night just because we want it to.

For me the trying to be okay looks like this:

-journaling

-crying

-being outside

-crying

-showing gratitude regardless of how not okay my day was

-maybe more crying but not necessary

And as much as I might despise the process, I know that I will be okay, as long as I don’t ignore my pain.

As long as I accept the pain for what it is, I think that is what allows me to be just a tad better each day.  

I really don’t know how to end this post. This post doesn’t have some grand call to action like most of my writing. It’s just me typing into Word, with the time on the top right of my screen reading 11:42 PM.

I know I used the word “okay” over and over again, but “okay” is all I need right now. I don’t need to feel amazing or great right now, I don’t expect myself to. I just need to be okay within myself, regardless of what the future holds.

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